The Bloody Mary Tattler: June Edition

the bloody mary tattler: june editionWow, time’s sure fun when you’re having flies, or however that goes…here it is already June 3rd, and I’m just now getting around to publishing this month’s Tattler!

Just a quick note for your dads, grads, and brides this month. They would all LOVE to receive a Bloody Mary gift basket, complete with an autographed copy of my book. Why is this the perfect gift? Because they’ll invite you over to taste their creations, and everybody wins!

Now then. Without further ado, here is your Tattler.

June is…

Beautiful in Your Skin Month
Celibacy Awareness Month (here’s to all 4 of you members)
Children’s Awareness Month (in case you forgot to be aware of your celibacy)
National Bathroom Reading Month
National Fruit and Veggies Month
Pharmacists Declare War on Alcoholism Month (skip the liquor store…buy more narcotics!)

June Weekly Observances

National Headache/Hangover Awareness Week:  7-13
Fish Are Friends, Not Food! Week: 21-27 (but they can still be garnish, right?)
North American Organic Brewers Days: 25-28
National Prevention of Eye Injuries Awareness: 27 -7/4 (watch that straw, mister!)

June Holidays

Dare Day: 1                                    the bloody mary tattler: june edition
National Leave the Office Early Day: 1
Festival of Popular Delusions Day: 5
National Gardening Exercise Day: 6 (how are those tomato plants coming along?)
Horseradish Days: 5-7
Name Your Poison Day: 8
National Moonshine Day: 5
World Bike Naked Day: 13
World Gin Day: 13
Eat (or drink) Your Vegetables Day: 17
National Bourbon Day: 14
National Splurge Day : 18
National Hollerin’ Contest Day – 20
Flitch of Bacon Day: 20 (This old English custom awarded a flitch of bacon to any couple who had been married a year and a day, and not had any regrets about getting hitched. I don’t know how much a flitch is, but I’m counting on it being enough to put in my Bloody Mary.)
Father’s Day: 21 
Finally Summer Day: 21
Global Orgasm Day: 21
Tall Girl Appreciation Day: 21 (treat her to an orgasm, perhaps)
Celebration of the Senses: 24
International Body Piercing Day: 28
Please Take My Children To Work Day: 29 (Last Monday)

Bloody Mary of the Month

I heard about this recipe a couple of years ago, and I’ve been curious about it ever since. More than curious…doubtful is more like it. That’s why it took me so long to try it for myself.

The recipe is rumored to have come from New Orleans, and the kicker is that you use red wine instead of vodka. The nice stranger that told me about it said it all started in a bar that didn’t yet have its liquor license, but was able to serve beer and wine.

Welp. Everyone knows Bloody Mary mix and beer go together like tassels and glitter. But Bloody Mary mix and wine? Only because I wanted to share my findings with you, and not because I thought I would like it, I finally got up the courage to give it a go.

You can read some different recipes for the Red Wine Bloody Mary here and here and here. The second one uses wine AND vodka, which I’m pretty sure is cheating, but I included it anyway.

Here’s what I did: I took what was left of an open bottle of Brazos Legends Lonesome Red Bloody Mary mix that I got for Mother’s Day, about 6 ounces or so. Then I splashed in 2 ounces of cabernet sauvignon, stirred it all up, and dropped in a couple of ice cubes.

My conclusion: not bad! I liked the slightly sour tanginess of it compared to vodka. The color takes a little getting used to, though; good thing I was drinking alone. I didn’t mess around putting garnishes on. Honestly, I’m not sure it needed any, other than maybe a plain olive or two.

So the next time you’re in a bar that doesn’t serve hard liquor, never fear. Go ahead and order up a Bloody Mary anyway. Either beer or wine make a Bloody you can call your own.

Ask Judy

 Dear Judy,

 I just moved into a small apartment to save a little money, and now I’m looking for ways I can save space. Do you know of any common household products that do double duty?

 Yours very truly,

 Foraging for Storage

Forage, you 21st century fox, you:

I am on a downsizing mission myself. It gives me an embarrassing amount of joy to toss out unnecessary things that are taking up valuable space in my house. It all started when I read a book called The 100 Thing Challenge. The author talked about paring down his worldly possessions to a mere 100 items, and how incredibly freeing it felt.

I haven’t been able to go quite that far, but I’m getting pretty close. I now have only 100 pairs of earrings, 100 kinds of lipstick, 100 different Bloody Mary garnishes…

That book might be a good place for you to start, Forage. But to address your question, I do know of a few common household products that fulfill more than one function. And they’re probably in your liquor cabinet right now.

A few months ago, I wrote an article about all the things you can do with vodka besides make a delicious Bloody Mary with it. You may want to refresh your memory here. Now, I’m going to add to that by telling you how to turn your liquor cabinet into a medicine cabinet with these boozy health and beauty products!

Cold sores: dab a cold sore with a swab that’s been dipped in vodka. The alcohol will help dry it up, but it will sting a little.

Exfoliant: mix 1 teaspoon of sugar with a few drops of champagne – just enough to form a paste. In circular motions, apply the mixture all over your face and neck, then rinse it off with lukewarm water and a washcloth, then pat dry. The enzymes that are in champagne’s tartaric acid, along with the abrasive quality of the sugar, should do a super job of exfoliating your skin.

Lifeless hair: add 1 teaspoon of champagne to 2 tablespoons of your regular shampoo. Work it into your hair, washing and rinsing as usual. You can also rinse with a little bit of champagne after shampooing. The bubbly should help give your hair body and bounce, and the tartaric acid will bring out your hair’s natural highlights, especially if you are blonde.

Aftershave and between shaves: splash vodka on freshly shaved areas. It will calm any redness and prevent razor bumps. Plus, it’s refreshing, for you and your razor. Put some vodka in a cup and soak your razor in it after shaving. The vodka will disinfect the blade and prevent it from rusting.

Dirty eyeglass lenses: clean your eyeglasses to a sparkle with a little vodka on a soft cloth.

Hair volumizer: combine ¾ cup of water with ¼ cup of beer. Dip a cotton ball into the mixture and dab it on your hair, starting at the roots. The yeast in the beer is said to expand each strand, giving the appearance of a fuller head of hair.

Too much perfume: you can tone down a too-strong perfume or cologne by dabbing a little vodka on your pulse points until the fragrance is as mild as you want it to be.

Weekly facial: peel a ripe peach, remove the pit, and pulse the fruit in a blender with 1 tablespoon of brandy. When it’s a smooth consistency, apply it on your damp face. Relax and leave it on for 20 minutes. Then rinse it off with lukewarm water and pat dry. Peaches are rich in vitamin A and, when applied topically, help protect skin against bacteria that causes pimples. Vitamin A also builds collagen which helps to improve your skin’s elasticity, tone, and texture. The brandy sloughs off dead skin cells and promotes circulation.

See, Forage? And you thought liquor only make you think you were more attractive. Here’s to you, kiddo!



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