About judy

Judy Bennett is a Bloody Mary alchemist who fully understands the necessity of providing good people with good ambience. She is a native of Portland, Oregon and her hobbies include exploring new or underappreciated venues for food, drink, shopping, art, and culture. She counts herself fortunate to have married the only perfect man on earth, and she has three beautiful and successful children. Professionally, she is a physical therapist, actress, model, social activist, dog foster-mommy, and respite caregiver for her elderly parents. No wonder she drinks.

City girls vs. country girls

In Lola’s day, it was easy to spot the difference between a girl who was brought up around nature, and a girl who has spent her life in the city. Lola refers to that quality as elasticity. No, she wasn’t talking about the sexual kind. An elastic woman “is like a wood-nymph, with a foot as light as that of the goddess, whose flying step scarcely brushed the unbending corn, whose conscious limbs and agile grace moved in harmony with the light of her sparkling eyes.” Compared to her city cousin, encased in hoops and stays and buckles, an elastic gal sounds like way more fun to be.

But how did each of them come to be the way they are?

1. Country girls are early to bed, and early to rise. City girls crawl into bed in the wee hours, and haul themselves out at midday.
2. Country girls bounce through their day, singing and laughing with the sheer joy of their own excellent health. City girls “mope through the tedious rounds of daily dullness with a jaded body and a feverish mind.”

To city girls everywhere – there is hope.
Whenever elegant but languid ladies in France and Italy find themselves in need of elasticity, they mix up the following liquid:

8 oz deer fat
6 oz olive oil
3 oz virgin wax
1 grain of musk
1/2 pint white brandy
4 oz rose water

Melt everything together over low heat, then allow to cool. Rub some all over your body at bedtime. In the morning, wipe it off with a cold, damp sponge. Over time, you will see a dramatic increase in your elasticity, regardless of the hours you keep or how little you tend to bounce.

Try as I might, I just could not come up with a recipe to go with this piece of Lola-wisdom. Instead, I decided to introduce you to a real-life Bloody Mary, and if the stories are true, she’s as elastic as they come. This excerpt is on page 124 of my book.

11163238823_78cd57869d_bAsk anyone in New Orleans who the number one expert on voodoo is, and they’ll tell you it’s Bloody Mary. Voodoo queen, shaman, healer, storyteller, historian, medium, lightworker, psychic, and ghost hunter, she also happens to be descended from another famous Bloody Mary, Queen Mary I. She has appeared on The History Channel, A & E, and CNN. Visitors to The Big Easy say her Tour of the Undead is not to be missed. She can even perform weddings (www.bloodymarystours.com).

There are more real-life Bloody Marys to meet, more fun facts, and more darn delicious Bloody Marys than you can shake a stick at in my book Bloody Marys: Sanguine Solutions for a Slew of Situations. Pick up your copy today at your neighborhood bookstore, or right here on the website (that way I can autograph it for you).

I’ll Never Tell.

This post is dedicated to those of us who need a little help in the beauty department. It’s so easy, affordable, and acceptable nowadays to turn to artificial means. Beauty isn’t skin deep anymore…it’s pocket deep.

Lola MontezLive TraceLola offers some time-tested and user-friendly ideas for augmenting what your mama gave you. They use inexpensive ingredients, can be done in the privacy of your own home, and if Lola is any gauge of success, they work like gangbusters.

1. Take a sweat in a hot-milk bath. It gives your skin a luminous color and smoothness.
2. A less expensive and labor-intensive option is to bathe in tepid water and bran. Same glassy smoothness, but minus the rosy glow.
3. Rub your skin with a sponge wrung out in cold water, then dry yourself vigorously with a dry napkin. This practice was a favorite in ancient Greece and Rome, where ladies were admired for the polished quality of their skin.
4. Infuse wheat bran for four hours in white wine vinegar. Add five egg yolks and two grains of ambergris. Seal the mixture tightly for twelve to fifteen days. Lola says you should apply some every day to exposed areas and you will soon have lovely, glowing skin. She learned this tip from the aristocratic beauties of the Spanish Court, and they ought to know.
5. Distill two handfuls of jasmine flowers in a quart of rose water and a quart of orange water. Strain through porous paper, then add a scruple of musk and a scruple of ambergris. This is meant to be used as a body wash. Besides buffing your skin to a pearly glow, it leaves behind a delightful fragrance.

I wonder what Lola would have thought if she had known about all the great things tomatoes do for the skin? When applied topically, tomato juice is a natural astringent that helps tighten your pores. It’s also rich in antioxidants that help fight wrinkles and premature aging. It clears up acne and dark spots from the skin. Lola liked to approach beauty from the outside in, but I think there’s value in working from the inside out, too. That’s why I created this Bloody Mary especially for you.

4-5 dashes Worcestershire sauce
1 jigger vodka
Several dashes each: salt, celery salt, black pepper
2 dashes Tabasco sauce
3 oz top-quality tomato juice

Shake all ingredients with ice, and strain into an Old Fashioned glass. Garnish with an olive and a heap of decadence.

Pretty simple, right? And no needles required. If you weren’t lucky enough to be born with flawless skin, you don’t need to sell your Jimmy Choo’s to get it. Let me know how these tips work out for you!

How To Get Bright, Smooth Skin

Besides having a handsome form, which you now know how to acquire if you read my last post, a beautiful lady must also have luminous skin. After all, the idea behind having a nice figure is to get men to come close enough to touch you. It would be a real deal-breaker if your skin was found to be course and dingy.

Lola instructs that the secret of beautiful skin is actually three things: temperance, exercise, and cleanliness.


Temperance
means being realistic about your idea of “moderation.” Don’t make the mistake of staying out too late and getting too little sleep. Also, pay attention to what you eat; not so much the quantity, but the quality of your food. That’s what matters. “Take, for instance, only strong coffee and hot bread and butter, and you have a diet which is most destructive to beauty. The heated grease is sure to derange the stomach. After this meal comes the long fast from nine in the morning till five or six in the afternoon, when dinner is served, and the half-famished beauty sits down to sate her appetite with peppered soups, fish, roast, boiled, broiled, and fried meat; game, tarts, sweet-meats, ices, fruits, etc, etc, etc. How does the heated complexion bear witness to the combustion within?” I think what Lola’s trying to get at here is to eat a little more often, and stick to smaller portions. Plus, it never hurts to factor in a few more vegetables with all that meat and greasy bread.

When it comes to exercise, Lola made her position quite clear in the last post, “How To Obtain A Handsome Form.” She reiterates her advice in the discussion of skin care. When a woman fails to exercise, “the firm texture of the rounded form gives way to a flabby softness, or yields to a scraggy leanness, or shapeless fate.” When that happens, the poor dear must then turn to padding, cinchers, and camouflage to “compress into form the swelling chaos of flesh.” Not to mention the color of the skin; it can take on a pale tone from lack of circulation, or an unhealthy, bloated redness that must not be mistaken for a peaches-and-cream glow.

Cleanliness is simple. All you have to do is be sure to take a tepid bath every day, especially if you live in the city. This is the closely held secret of the courtesans of the Far East. In doing so, you will remove unsightly properties from the surface of your skin as well as avoid illness which can rob you of your radiance.

Lola wasn’t yet acquainted with Bloody Marys, but if she had been, she would have loved this lightening, tightening, brightening facial. Tomatoes are rich in lycopene, which is a powerful antioxidant. Combined with the exfoliating properties of salt and the brightening abilities of lemon, this is a sure-fire way to get baby-soft skin.

In a glass dish, mix together:
2 tablespoons celery salt
1 tablespoon tomato juice
Juice of 1 lemon
Spread gently all over your face, neck, and decolletage. Also works on rough elbows, knees, and heels. Wait five minutes, then rinse off. Follow with moisturizer.

How is your skin surviving the winter? Got a tip to share? Leave a comment below!

How To Obtain A Handsome Form

Lola and I agree on many things, but we are especially closely aligned on this point: physical beauty depends on excellent physical and mental health. She writes, “There can be no development of beauty in sickly fibres. Plenty of exercise in the open air is the great recipe.” Lola advises not just any exercise, but “the wild romping activities of a spirited girl who runs up and down as though her veins were full of wine.” Do you suppose Lola spearheaded the whole Zumba craze?

Speaking of acting like you’re full of wine, a happy demeanor is also critical to how you look. “Everything should be done to give joy and vivacity to the spirit. A crushed, sad, or moping spirit is a fatal cause of a flabby and moping body.”

Swimsuit season will be here before you know it!

Swimsuit season will be here before you know it!

In that case, I have some very good advice for you. All you have to do is samba into your kitchen and prepare the following Bloody Mary. It’s full of low-fat, antioxidant-rich ingredients that are certain to put a spring in your step.

2 shots gin
Dash lemon juice
4-6 dashes Worcestershire sauce
6 dashes Tabasco sauce
Black pepper, salt, and celery salt, to taste
4 oz. Clamato
1/2 tsp horseradish

Put everything into a cocktail shaker, kick off your shoes, find some Ska Cubano on Spotify, and shake it, baby! If you do this every day for 3 or 4 minutes, your arms will become toned in no time at all. When you are done, strain mixture into a Collins glass over ice cubes.

“Butter Faces” Are Nothing New

In the acting biz, it’s often said “So-and-so has a great face for radio.” But it may surprise you to know that some women, although their face may not be considered beautiful, have a smokin’ hot body. These women are often referred to as butter faces, as in, “Well, she’s got a great body, but ‘er face…”

BTW, this is not who comes out of the mirror when you say "Bloody Mary" 3 times.

BTW, this is not who comes out of the mirror when you say “Bloody Mary” 3 times.

Men or women who don’t think beauty of the face or body is important are insulting God. As Lola puts it, “God has displayed so much care and love upon our bodies that He not only created them for usefulness, but he adored them with loveliness. If it was not beneath our maker’s glory to frame them in beauty, it certainly cannot be beneath us to respect and preserve the charms which we have received from His loving hand.” According to Lola, women owe it to themselves, to society, and to God to be as beautiful as possible. It is our solemn duty.

Tune in next time for Lola’s tips on How To Obtain A Handsome Form. In the meantime, have a Bloody Mary from the nice folks at eDiets.com. I featured this recipe on page 112 of my book.

3 oz tomato juice
Dash each: fresh lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, and Tabasco
1 fresh lime wedge
(Not an oversight. There is no booze in this one.)

Pour the tomato juice and seasonings over ice in a chilled Old Fashioned glass, and garnish with the lime wedge. Practice holding the Bloody Mary in one hand, while you fondle the tanned armflesh of your Diesel-underwear-model date with the other.

While you’re drinking, here are some slimming and healthful Bloody Mary facts to consider.

Fact #1: Researchers from Arizona State University found that the vitamin C in citrus fruit, particularly lemons, is directly related to the body’s ability to burn fat for fuel. The more vitamin D in your diet, the more efficiently you metabolize fat.

Fact #2: Drinking tomato juice before a meal can trick your body into feeling satiated, and you’ll wind up eating less.

Fact #3: Alcohol is really just sugar, adding sixty-four empty calories per ounce to whatever you’re drinking. Besides, its disinhibitory effect can cause you to throw caution to the wind and overindulge at the buffet table.

Fact #4: This slimmed-down yet delicious version of the Bloody Mary you already love is going to give you a body that you, Lola, and God are proud of.

Female Beauty, Defined

My mom's a classic beauty. Body by Bloody Mary.

My mom’s a classic beauty. Body by Bloody Mary.

What is classical beauty? The French poet, Andre Felibien, described it in great detail 200 years before Lola was born, but she upholds it as the best definition she can recall seeing:

“The head should be well rounded and look rather inclining to small than large.

The forehead white, smooth, and open (not with the hair growing down too deep upon it), neither flat nor prominent, but, like the head, well rounded, and rather small in proportion than large.

The hair either black, bright brown, or auburn, not thin, but full and waving, and if it falls in moderate curls, the better — the black is particularly useful in setting off the whiteness of the neck and skin.

The eyes black, chestnut, or blue; clear, bright, and lively, and rather large in proportion than small.

The eyebrows well divided, full, semicircular, and broader in the middle than at the ends, of a neat turn but not formal.

The cheeks should not be wide, should have a degree of plumpness, with the red and white finely blended together, and should look firm and soft.

The ear should be rather small, well folded, and have an agreeable tinge of red.

The nose should be placed so as to divide the face into equal parts; should be of a moderate size, straight, and well squared, though sometimes a little rising in the middle, which is just perceivable, may give a very graceful look to it.

The mouth should be small, and the lips not of equal thickness; they should be well turned, small, rather than gross, soft even to the eye, and with a living red in them; a truly pretty mouth is like a rosebud that is beginning to blow. The teeth should be middle-sized, white, well ranged and even.

The chin of a moderate size, white, soft, and agreeably rounded.

The neck should be white, straight, and of a soft, easy, flexible make; rather long then short, less above, and increasing gently towards the shoulders; the whiteness and delicacy of its skin should be continued, or rather go on improving to the bosom; the skin in general should be white, properly tinged with red, and a look of thriving health in it.

The shoulders should be white, gently spread, and with a much softer appearance of strength than in those of men.

The arm should be white, round, firm, and soft, and more particularly so from the elbow to the hands.

The hand should unite insensibly with the arm; it should be long and delicate, and even the joints and nervous parts of it should be without either any hardness or dryness.

The fingers should be fine, long, round, and soft; small and lessening to the tips, and the nails rather long, round at the ends, and pellucid.

The bosom should be white and charming, neither too large nor too small; the breasts equal in roundness and firmness, rising gently, and very distinctly separated.

The sides should be rather long and the hips wider than the shoulders, and go down rounding and lessening gradually to the knee.

The knee should be even and well rounded.

The legs straight but varied by proper rounding of the more fleshy parts of them, the finely turned, white, an small at the ankle.”

It sounds like he’s describing Lola, doesn’t it? Maybe that’s why she liked this definition so much. I, on the other hand, missed the mark on a number of levels. I would consider my knees to be round, though.

How do you measure up? Ready to give up and just have a Bloody Mary instead? Post your comments below!

Your 2014 Makeover Guide

It was October, 1846. The king was sitting quietly in his chamber; suddenly the door flew open and through it rushed a dazzlingly beautiful woman. Before he could utter a word, this fabulous creature revealed a glittering stiletto raised ceremoniously above her head. History waited. Was it intended for the monarch or for the lady’s own exquisite person? Slowly she lowered the dagger to her bosom and with a quick motion ripped open the front of her dress, neck to waist, revealing to the bedazzled monarch “two heaving hills of snow.”

Lola MontezLive TraceMeet Lola Montez – seducer of kings, erstwhile dancer, gold digger, spy, liberal activist, bigamist, advice columnist, and toward the end of her short life, religious fanatic. Through her amorous and political adventures (sometimes these were one and the same) around the globe, Lola amassed great knowledge of beauty, manners, courtship, and charm. She composed a book, The Arts and Secrets of Beauty, based on her experiences and observations.

If you’re like most people, you’re looking to spruce things up in the self-care department this time of year. I’ll bet you made New Year’s resolutions about eating better, exercising more, and getting more sleep, to name just a few. I thought I would give you the benefit of having some tips from a famous femme fatale to help you on your way. Over the next several posts, I’ll share some of Lola’s recommendations for achieving beautiful skin, a bangin’ figure, silky hair, an alluring voice, and a flattering wardrobe.

If you can’t wait for the tips one at a time, I recommend you pick up a copy of her book. It also contains a section for men on the art of fascination, which I have laid out in earlier posts, and a handy glossary to guide you through the ingredients for making your own skin care products.

Come back next week for your first tip!

Put down that Christmas cookie for just a second, hon. I need to tell you something very important.

I know how very busy you are this time of year, so I’ll be brief. You busted your humps doing things for all your nearest and dearest – shopping, wrapping, baking, shipping, and on and on. Are you being good to yourself, too? Here are some things to try:

1. Hire a stranger to do your errands, housecleaning, or other menial chores. Apps like TaskRabbit (https://www.taskrabbit.com/) are a busy person’s best friend.

2. Unplug from the whole process and book yourself a Hawaiian vacation. Return a couple of weeks from now, tan, relaxed, and ready to make your friends jealous with your tales of adventure.

3. Plan a fantabulous New Year’s Eve to reward yourself for all your holiday do-goodery. Buy an amazing outfit and crash the best party in town. Kiss everyone in sight. Dance on the tables. Drink yourself silly.

4. Remember that January 1 is National Bloody Mary Day. If you don’t yet have a copy of my book, you’ll need one before then so you can treat yourself extra-special good on the first day, and every day, of 2014. Venture out of your Bloody Mary comfort zone. If you’re used to Tabasco, try habanero. If you like ‘em with vodka, try one with tequila. Make an inside-out version (page 97), or a frozen one (page 158), or, if your renter’s insurance is paid up, the Flaming Bloody Mary (page 96)!

But enough about you. You DID give all your besties their very own copy of my book for Christmas, didn’t you? No? Well, depending on where you live, there may still be time to order from the Buy a Copy! page for delivery before January 1. Of course, if you live in Portland, Oregon, you can grab some at Powell’s Books downtown location, Annie Bloom’s, McMenamin’s Edgefield, the Multnomah Athletic Club, The Big White Goose, and several liquor stores around town.

Stay tuned next month, when I’ll announce the rules for my upcoming International garnish competition! Hint: Bloody Mary floats, anyone?

Why Teachers Drink

Originally posted on Bloody Marys: Sanguine Solutions for a Slew of Situations:

Ever wonder where your tax dollars are going? Clearly not to education.

1. Explain why phosphorus trichloride is polar.
God made it that way.

2. What type of attractive force or bond holds the sodium ions and chloride ions together in a crystal of sodium chloride?
James Bond.

3. Briefly explain what hard water is.
Ice.

4. What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
He was a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

5. What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Unusual names.

6. Name one of the early Roman’s greatest achievements.
Learning to speak Latin.

7. Name six animals that live specifically in the Arctic.
Two polar bears and four seals.

8. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.

9. What is the highest frequency noise that humans can hear?
Mariah Carey.

10. Where was…

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If you still don’t like Bloody Marys, you can just go drink worms.

judy:

I thought this post was worth digging up (see how I did that?). I find it one of the more compelling reasons to drink Bloody Marys, or in fact, just about anything else.

Originally posted on Bloody Marys: Sanguine Solutions for a Slew of Situations:

This is from http://www.armywormwine.com. I saw the URL on some guy’s ball cap and I had to look it up before I’d believe it.

Information on RNR Estate Winery and Army Worm Wine

The forest tent caterpillar (Malacosoma disstria) prefers hardwoods like sugar maples and oaks. The term “tent” caterpillar is a little misleading as these insects don’t construct large tent-nests in the crooks of trees. Instead, they spin pad-like structures on trunks and on branches where they go to rest and to molt.

While most Northlanders consider their presence unsightly, their defoliation rarely kills host trees unless the trees are already diseased or under stress due to climatic or other environmental factors.

A 5-gallon pail of
army worms

5 gallons of worms
5 gallons of worms

Forest tent caterpillar larvae emerge from egg masses in mid-May to early June (about the same time most leaves begin to open) when older larvae become restless…

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