If you have plans to see your girl later in the day, be sure to have several drinks, and several different kinds of alcohol, first. This will dispel any nervousness or shyness you may have, and it will undoubtedly make you sound smarter, funnier, and more interesting. She will find you all the more fascinating, too, because you will scent the air all around her with a rare and exotic aroma. At least, the animal responsible for a similar smell is considered rare.

Commit a selection of beguiling tricks to memory, and you will have females eating out of your hand. For instance, pull the napkin off her lap at dinner and throw it on the floor, then violently trample it under your feet. She can’t help but ask what on earth you did that for, and then you can tell her, with a perfectly straight face, that you have saved her from a WIPER. Here’s another one. Some cold, stormy night, get up and open the front door, then leave it wide open until she protests. Ask her then if there are any pickles in it. “Pickles?!?!?” She will respond in confusion. Then you tell her, “Well, anyone can see the door is AJAR.” Mastering a few of these kinds of tricks will show her how amusing you are, and what a lighthearted husband you would make.

We’ve already covered the benefits of becoming adept at small talk; but there is another kind of social convention that you need to master. It’s known as big talk, as in “So-and-so is a big talker.” It may be easier to think of it as bragging. Tell your girl the most outlandish tales you can dream up. For example:

“Last weekend, when I was aboard Air Force One…”
“…and I hit the twenty-foot-long crocodile right between the eyes.”
“So then Angelina said, ‘Since I’m not good enough for you, I guess I’ll have to settle for Brad.”

You get the picture. Make yourself seem exciting, desirable, brave, worldly…in essence, a fascinating dinner companion and ultimately, a great catch. When she gazes levelly at you and asks, “And have you heard from Angelina since then?” you will know you have successfully fooled her and given her a new appreciation of your manliness.

In any social circle, the man who appears to be the most likeable is the one who has mastered the art of small talk. This sort of man can go on and on and never really say anything of value. Small talk often requires the ability to think on your feet, so as to steer the conversation around to something you know a little bit about; if you find you do not possess the gift of gab, then here is an alternative. Study the Sunday comics in the newspaper, or watch some stand-up comedy on television. Learn what subject matter is considered funniest and discover how to use timing, physicality, and other tropes to your advantage. Soon you will be able to create your own humor to amuse and delight your lady. For example, try grabbing her nose and say “not as you nose-on!” Then, by laughing as loud as you can scream, you will have proven that you are as funny as any established comic, and with original material to boot.