One way to be sure your lady will look forward to seeing you is for you to bring juicy gossip to her. This is particularly true if the gossip pertains to her, and the more disparaging the better. Imagine her distrust in you if any rumors about her reached your ears, and you did nothing to relay them to her so that she could react accordingly. No, you must share the bad news with her at once, so that she will view you as a respectful and worthy companion.

It is no secret that the most ubiquitous trait in a woman is vanity. If you don’t believe me, scour the magazine rack in any bookstore. You will see rows of publications devoted to teaching women how to look better in jeans, how to be a more gracious hostess, and how to compete with what “everyone else” is reading/watching/wearing/doing in bed. Clearly, vanity is an unrelentingly powerful virtue, highly prized by women,  that you would do well to capitalize upon. Simply put, if you show her you care about the same things she cares about, she will care more about YOU. Here are a few easy ways to begin.

1. Groom yourself in front of her like a primate: futz with your hair, brush lint (real or imaginary) off your sleeve, smooth your eyebrows, straighten your tie, clean under your nails with your salad fork, and so on. There are two bonuses to this ploy. One is that you will look all the more handsome for every bit of this sort of posturing you do. Two: she will be able to see your hands at all times, which is reassuring to a gal who hasn’t yet made up her mind to allow you to put your hands on her.

2. Talk only about yourself. The vainest of the vain won’t be listening anyway.

3. If she is listening, try to say positive things about your accomplishments and strengths. There is no point in listing your faults, since she will find those out soon enough. Feel free to embellish the truth as needed. As the author of these rules, celebrated courtesan Lola Montez, has been known to say: “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.”

Few things capture the attention of a discerning female quite like a man who is at ease in her presence. Here are a few examples of how to do this:

1. Slouch in your chair. Sit on the edge and lie back so that your legs are splayed out into the room. Another version of this technique is to sit sideways and drape your legs over one of the arms of the chair, while letting your head loll over the other arm.

2. If you feel the need to release air from any of your orifices, by all means, don’t hold anything back.

3. On a warm day, remove all clothing but the essentials; use the discarded garments to mop your face, chest, and/or armpits. Better still, do all of the above while never breaking eye contact with her.

4. At some point in the evening you may become so comfortable that you fall asleep. There is no greater compliment you could pay her, for it shows great trust and intimacy.

When you feel awkward, you will not enjoy being with her and she will not fail to notice that fact. It is far better for you to behave as unselfconsciously as possible so both of you will be at ease.

She will be able to see right through this time-tested ruse, but it will score points with your lady regardless. It’s called gassing, and this is how it goes: casually mention that you have just come from a crucial meeting with President So-and-So, or had a long and interesting conversation with Ambassador What’s-His-Name. Apologize for your lateness, but it was so difficult to tear yourself away, he or she was positively begging you to stay and finish your discourse, blahdedy blah. She knows full well you possess no fame or merit of your own, and only a woman who is already in love with you will believe you actually know such a famous and important person. But how can she help but be charmed by your efforts to impress her? So go ahead, my friend; gas her and gas her good!

This one is only too obvious. You should never plan to spend more than a minute or two in a lady’s company without indulging in some light, respectful PDA. For instance, place your arm over the back of her chair, which will give the appearance of having your arm around her shoulders. Lean into her, or even on her, on the pretense that you didn’t hear her last comment very well. If she is wearing a dress that shows a little (or a lot) of cleavage, remain standing next to her chair so that you might lean down to admire her ring or point out an intriguing passage in the book on her lap. She will love all the attention paid to her, and will not fail to notice what a gentleman you are by keeping your hands to yourself.