Lola and I are taking a wee bit of a break to catch up on our drinking. We’ll be back with more advice for you lovelorn but ever-hopeful gentlemen next week!

Everyone knows that puns are the very highest form of wit, therefore it will behoove you to become adept at punsterism in your lady’s presence. Since the best puns are of the nose-grabbingly horrible sort, you might think punning is easy to do. And you would be right! So pun away, and even if you fail, she will laugh delightedly at your efforts to amuse her. If you need a little inspiration, here are a few to get you started.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

A pessimist’s blood type is B Negative.

I’m not the boss, but I’m the Chairman of the Bored.

If you practice such finely crafted one-liners as these, your gal will think you are a master of quickwittedness. She might even give you a good grade in punmanship. If not, try, try again. Her laughter is sure to follow you all the way down the street.

I’m not talking about simply knowing how to dance, or even dancing as a hobby; to win over the girl of your dreams, you must devote yourself to it as a calling, a career, and an all-consuming lifestyle. Miss Lola Montez, courtesan of the rich and powerful men of 19th century Europe, puts it best: “Dance with all the might of your body, and all the fire of your soul, in order that you may shake all melancholy out of your liver.” Don’t worry that the vigor of your movements will shake out any of the contents of your head. She’s not especially interested in what’s there anyway. Not the graceful type, you claim? Can’t tell a pirouette from a pas de bouree? Technical expertise is not what’s needed here. The sheer passion of your display will ignite passion within her toward you. After all, the animal kingdom has flourished by relying on mating dances since the beginning of time. And there’s a side benefit: even if your results are not one hundred percent successful the first time, you will feel wonderful after having shaken the melancholy out of your liver.

Whenever the subject of religion comes up, as it’s bound to sooner or later, express your distaste for it openly. Any intelligent and pragmatic woman will think highly of you for doing so, because she wants to be the only being you worship.