Let’s begin by assuming that you are a decently educated fellow with at least the government-required amount of book-learning under your belt, or better still, in your noggin. Take every opportunity to drop names, toss French phrases into the conversation, and expound ad nauseum about whatever esoteric thing you believe she knows absolutely nothing about. There will be no one around to argue with or correct you, and she will positively swoon with admiration of your intellect. For example, teach her that the French word for fool is folle; from then on, every time she hears folle she will immediately think of you.

If you are another sort of man entirely and aren’t terribly bright or well-read, pretend to be. This will allow your lady and her friends to laugh at you, and who doesn’t like to be in amusing company? You will be the most sought-after bachelor in town.

If the girl of your dreams happens to meet someone who is richer, smarter, better-looking, or in any way higher up the food chain than you, you must get him out of the picture as quickly as possible. Here’s an easy way to do it. The next time you all happen to be in the same room together, start behaving as rudely to him as possible. After he leaves, which is certain to happen after receiving that sort of treatment, tell your lady wild rumors about him — his character, his background, his hygiene, whatever you can dream up.The worse you make him look to her, the better you will seem by comparison, so don’t hold anything back. She will quickly see how foolish she was to be interested in this other fellow. You will be surprised and delighted at the depth of her gratitude for pointing out her lapse in judgment, especially since you only did it out of kindness to her and not any selfish motive. Then, just to finish gilding the lily, mention some of your better traits which she would have remained ignorant of, if not for your timely and chivalrous intervention on her behalf.

Here’s what to do: acquire photographs of beautiful women – it doesn’t matter who – and tell the girl of your dreams that random women are sending their pictures to you, in the interest of vying for your affection. They can be pictures of your cousin, your racquetball partner, or one of the photos that comes in those little frames at the store. Be sure to tell her that you have not asked for these images to be sent to you and you don’t know what to do to get this practice to stop. You will be very surprised at what happens next. She will not rip the photos up and grind them beneath her heel. Instead, she will feel enormous satisfaction that you are obviously quite a catch, and that a prize like you is interested in her. She will foresee sharing a home with you that is decorated with pictures of strange women’s faces, just like savages collect and treasure the scalps of their enemies. With this in mind, don’t feel as though you have to limit your jealousy-making offerings to just photographs. Try mixing it up with food, lingerie and sentimental trinkets. Her reaction will be equally as strong.

At every opportunity, let your lady know how sought after you are as a lover. Describe the various ways women throw themselves at you. Why? She will feel lucky to be allowed to have a chance with you, you popular thing, and to be certain that you will be bragging about her amorous skills with some other sweet young conquest. If there is a common truth among women, it’s how much more desirable something is if they think their friends want it more than they do. Even if she declares that you are nothing but a dog, don’t be surprised if she pulls you onto her lap so she can nuzzle your little wet nose.