To make a long story short, I was invited to enter a spicy cocktail contest at the same time I was talking about PR ideas with a fellow author. Well! My little brain is always looking for ways to bring everything I care about together into one neat package (that’s because at my age, I can’t remember where I put all the packages, so it helps to just have one). The contest had three rules: 1)it must include one spice; 2)it must have no more than seven ingredients; and 3)it must be original. That’s a pretty broad playing field, don’t you think? So I turned to my friend Clark Hays, who wrote a fabulous book called The Cowboy and the Vampire, and I told him I was going to build a cocktail in his honor. More to the point, I wanted to dedicate it to Lizzie Vaughan, the pivotal character, who finds herself torn between her love for the cowboy and the visceral pull to fulfill her destiny as Queen of the Vampires. In the battle between good and evil, sometimes a girl just has to stop and order a drink.
The Cowboy and the Vampire Bloody Mary
4 oz tomato juice — ’nuff said.
1 tsp. crushed garlic — No need to remove it from the strand around your neck before crushing. Drop a little down your decollette`.
2 Tbsp. Demitri’s Bloody Mary seasoning — Demitri was Vlad’s pool boy, but I always wondered if there was more going on…
1 Tbsp. Frontera chipotle hot sauce — an honest, hard workin’ hot sauce if ever I saw one. Smoky, and not so hot you can’t whistle afterward.
1 Tbsp. blood orange soda — a genteel little effervescence that whispers to you from the murky shadows.
1 Tbsp. Whiskey Flats BBQ sauce — I used Classic Bourbon flavor. It’s a real knee-slapper!
1 1/2 oz vodka — Demitri and Vlad pronounce it “wodka.” You should, too.
Mix everything together in a shaker, then pour over ice in a tall glass. Garnish with garlic-stuffed olives on a wooden stake, uh, I mean skewer.
Here is where you get to show your lady love that there’s more to you than frippery and lisping. Tell her about all the bar fights, the road rage-incited car chases, and the boardroom shoving matches you’ve been involved in. As long as you’re spinning fibs, and she of course knows it, tell her you won each and every one of those altercations. Because doing so will show her that while you may have never been in an actual fight, you do possess a taste for fighting. In her adoring eyes, you will for ever more be a real live action hero.
Buy it, borrow it, or make it yourself, but never be seen in public, and particularly around women, without being covered in bling. At the very least, 2 rings per hand, a necklace, and a showy lapel pin will prove that you are a man of means and good taste to boot. No woman will be able to resist.
Another technique for driving women mad with desire is to develop a soft, effeminate speaking voice. The obvious reason is that she will have to lean in close to hear what you’re saying. And it’s only natural for an attentive listener like herself, when she can’t quite make out your words, to stare at your mouth in an attempt to understand you. Picture it: there she is, pressing her nubile form against you while gazing with rapt attention at your lips. A kiss can’t be far behind! But there is even a third benefit, gentlemen, that will help you win your lady love. Your warbling tone will subconsciously remind her of music, and other pastimes of a more intimate nature that involve “quavering and unmeaning words.”
Tell anyone who will listen that your only aim in life is to be considered “a catch.” How will you accomplish this? Besides paying meticulous attention to your physical appearance, memorize several ways to compliment a woman; you will also need to have lovely manners, anticipate her needs, and agree with whatever she says. To be at the top of your game, you should be able to afford to give her little presents every so often. All your focus will be on the lady you’re with, so you won’t be bothered with the need to talk about yourself and any skills you might have, so don’t waste your time improving them. You will be busy enough learning the art of sycophantic seduction. Women will be only too glad to avail themselves of your many charms, and you will be fighting them off with a stick. It is possible, however, that the men you know will be less congratulatory. Some of them, out of jealousy, will tell you that women won’t respect you, and that a life devoted to being arm candy is a shallow life indeed. Sooner or later their wives will come knocking on your door.