Once you have decided on a woman you want to fall hopelessly in love with you, here is a sure-fire way to make that happen. First, make sure you are alone with her and that you have her undivided attention. Next, face her squarely, and fix your gaze on her, right into her eyes. One of two things will happen. She will become uncomfortable and avert her eyes, possibly even shifting herself in her chair to break the connection between you. Another possibility is that she will have to suppress the urge to laugh. When either of those events come to pass, whatever you do, don’t stop staring deeply into her eyes! Her reaction shows you that it’s working. And if she goes to fetch her father or older brother to escort you out of the house, that only means that she is so smitten that she can no longer trust herself to be alone with you.

There is a trend among women, young and old, that involves flirting for the sake of flirting. The young ones engage in it to awaken and hone their skills at sparkling conversation, hair-flipping, eyelash-batting, and gratuitous arm-touching. The older type, often freshly back in the dating game after the end of a long term relationship, desire to relearn the art of flirting in This Day and Age (do I offer to pay for dinner? should he meet my kids? can I still pull off a miniskirt?). The sort of man that is best for this sort of Flirting 101 is known as a “dangler.” These men are attractive, fairly intelligent, and fun to be with, but it is well understood by both parties that the relationship will go no further. Danglers can also help a woman pass the time, make her feel pretty, or be a pleasant +1 at a dinner party. Needless to say, they are in high demand; therefore, It is an extremely good idea to become one yourself. Besides, what better arena can there be to practice your own pick-up lines? Rule #1 – don’t fall in love. Rule #2 – don’t allow anyone to fall in love with you.

Make it known far and wide that you are a man opposed to marriage. Clearly and frequently state your firm intention never to marry, and you will soon be surrounded by eligible young women. Why? One of two things will happen. When a girl knows she is being pursued, it puts her on the defensive. She will be nervous and ill at ease. If she knows that’s not what you’re after, she has no reason to impress you, and she can relax and be herself. Being around you will be pleasant and soothing to her, compared with playing the exhausting games serious courtship requires. The other possibility is that her ego will cloud her common sense and she will take it upon herself to be the one that changes your stance on marriage. Then she will be pursuing you with all her might. Heaven help you if her friends get wind of her plans, because they, not to be outdone, will also rise to the challenge of weakening your resolve. You will be surrounded by women clamoring for your affection morning, noon, and night!

The news of your avowed bachelorhood will also spread to the parents of these ladies. Perceiving no threat of you taking their daughters away from them, they will invite you into their homes as if you belonged there. And, seeing how relaxed and cheerful their daughters are in your presence, they will believe you are gay and give you no limit of unchaperoned time.

As I look out the window at the first sunny day in Portland in I-don’t-know-how-long, it seems silly to be admonishing citizens to remove their tans, when they probably haven’t got one to begin with. But if you’re the sort of man who has maintained a Fake ‘N Bake lifestyle throughout the dark and rainy fall, winter and spring of northwestern Oregon, you’re going to want to remove that swarthy skin post haste. Here’s a proven, and organic, way to achieve that coveted milky-white complexion.

Mix together 1/2 pint of milk, 1/4 oz of lemon juice, and 1/2 oz of white brandy. Bring to a boil over medium heat, then skim and cool to room temperature. Apply it to your skin twice a day, and if you like, make a little extra to sip as a bedtime toddy. You are well on your way to a bright, clear complexion!

A man of means surrounds himself with the best of everything, and that includes his female companion. You deserve to have a truly beautiful woman on your arm at all times, and particularly when you appear in public. Passersby will make flattering assumptions about you once they see the kind of woman you are able to attract. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, it’s true, but the poet Felibien has penned a handy and objective definition of what is considered beautiful, so that there may be no doubt in your mind.

“The head should be well rounded and look rather inclining to small than large. The forehead white, smooth, and open (not with the hair growing down too deep upon it), neither flat nor prominent, but, like the head, well rounded, and rather small in proportion than large. The hair either black, bright brown, or auburn, not thin, but full and waving, and if it falls in moderate curls, the better – the black is particularly useful in setting off the whiteness of the neck and skin. The eyes black, chestnut, or blue, clear, bright, and lively, and rather large in proportion than small. The eyebrows well divided, full, semicircular, and broader in the middle than at the ends, of a neat turn, but not formal. The cheeks should not be wide, should have a degree of plumpness, with the red and white finely blended together, and should look firm and soft. The ear should be rather small, well folded, and have an agreeable tinge of red. The nose should be placed so as to divide the face into equal parts; should be of a moderate size, straight, and well squared, though sometimes a little rising in the middle, which is just perceivable, may give a very graceful look to it. The mouth should be small, and the lips not of equal thickness; they should be well turned, small, rather than gross, soft even to the eye, and with a living red in them; a truly pretty mouth is like a rosebud that is beginning to blow. The teeth should be middle-sized, white, well ranged and even. The chin of a moderate size, white, soft, and agreeably rounded.

The neck should be white, straight, and of a soft, easy, flexible make; rather long than short, less above, and increasing gently towards the shoulders; the whiteness and delicacy of its skin should be continued, or rather go on improving to the bosom; the skin in general should be white,properly tinged with red, and a look of thriving health in it.

The shoulders should be white, gently spread, and with a much softer appearance of strength than in those of men. The arm should be white, round, firm and soft, and more particularly so from the elbow to the hands. The hand should unite insensibly with the arm; it should be long and delicate, and even the joints and nervous parts of it should be without either any hardness or dryness. The fingers should be fine, long, round and soft; small and lessening to the tops, and the nails rather long, round at the ends, and pellucid.

The bosom should be white and charming; neither too large nor too small; the breasts equal in roundness and firmness, rising gently, and very distinctly separated. The sides should be rather long and the hips wider than the shoulders, and go down rounding and lessening gradually to the knee.

The knee should be even and well rounded. The legs straight but varied by proper rounding of the more fleshy parts of them, the finely turned, white, and small at the ankle.”

There! Happy to clear that up. Feel free to copy and paste this post into your on line dating profile. The results you get will be staggering.

Men, if you have gotten this far in Lola’s lessons, you now understand that making women fall in love with you is no trifling matter. It is indeed an art, and an accomplishment one can learn over time, but it is also your duty to excel in it as a male member of the species. Otherwise, how could the species endure?

You may recall in a previous lesson that ladies tend to prefer arrogant fools who think highly of their own appearance and charms. This is very important for you to keep in mind. In other words, cultivate frivolous talents and leave the possession of real character and good sense to stodgy old married folk. Several poets, essayist, and scholars agree.

“When we see a fellow loud and talkative, full of insipid life and laughter, we may venture to pronounce him a female favorite.” ~Mackenzie

“The character which generally passes for agreeable with the women is made up of civility and falsehood.” ~Burke

“Our thoughless sex is caught by outward form and empty noise – and loves itself in man.” ~ Dryden

You have probably spent your adult years laboring under the assumption that loud, aggressive girls were the more promiscuous, whereas their timid sisters wanted nothing more than to escape notice. Nothing could be farther from the truth. As Sir Joshua Reynolds said: “Men are like certain animals, who will feed only when there is but little provender, and that got at with difficulty through the bars of a rack; but refuse to touch it when there is an abundance before them.” Girls are taught this from a very young age, and learn to behave accordingly. For instance, see that little wallflower over there in the shadows all alone? Don’t let her shy exterior betray her motives: she is begging for your kisses. Push the gregarious vixen off your lap and go get her! Feed, man!